10 Things I Want to Tell Aspiring Writers, But Don't

You're officially a writer the moment you start writing. But are you a good writer? Only time will tell. I shouldn't be one to judge, but I do.  And when you ask me what I think, there are things I want to say, but I just don't.  This is what I can't always get out, but what every writer needs to hear.

1.  You suck.  But there is hope...sometimes.

And I mean it. You asked for my opinion, and I am going to give it.  Honestly, but gently.  No matter what you say about liking it rough, no one ever expects to be told to give up and go home.  But many writers should do just that.  I can't tell you how often I get asked to read something, only to cringe inwardly as I try to come up with polite, encouraging things to say.  But before I tell them to take a walk and an accounting class instead, I stop myself and ask myself a few things:

• Did they finish something?  If you can finish a novel, or even a short story, no matter how bad it is, then I am proud of you.  For real. Go you.  This puts you ahead of many others, including some really creative, amazing, talented folks.  You deserve some credit.  Maybe now that you have pounded out a piece of junk, you can make some time (or some space in your head) for an improved work.  Maybe you will learn something from the experience, and be inspired. I hope. 
• How much do they know about writing as a craft?  Think of writing not as an art, but a skill to be built upon continuously.  If you see that your finished masterpiece is not flawless, but a sinking miasma of dreams, tortured words, and exhausted prose, then there is hope for you yet.  If you have the ability to listen to what other writers say, there is hope.
• Do they love to write? I am never ever going to tell someone to stop doing something they enjoy, even if they suck at it. But remember that writing is like masturbation: almost everyone does it, but few of us are Jenna Jamison.

As a writer, if you are asked to read someone else's work and feel that you can't refuse, here's a simple tip:  everyone can benefit from constructive feedback.  Even one pointer can help.  And if the person has creativity, all other skills can be taught.  Lack creativity or originality?  See #3.  You're SOL.


2.  Don't quit your day job.  For real.  Unless you need to.

Writers design their lives around their writing.  But they also need to pay the bills, live in a somewhat safe structure, and feed their families.

I live a full life.  I work two to three jobs part time and lack health insurance.  I also have a super flexible schedule.  I get to work, albeit tangentially, in my field.  All of this is designed around allowing me to spend as much time feeling creative and writing.  And it doesn't always work.

The lesson here is that success should not determine how much time you devote to your work.  How much you love your work in comparison to everything else is what really matters.

3.  Don't go to school to be a writer. 

Write to be a writer.  Go to school or a workshop or a conference to get ideas, to learn to teach other writers, to make connections. These are things you can be taught, but no class, no matter how great, how famous, how dedicated and well-informed the teacher, can teach you to have talent. If you don't bring that to the table, forget it.  Give up now.  Go home.

Take everything you learn in a class with a grain of salt.  It isn't everything there is to know, and not everything you learn is going to be true or work for you.  Other writers give suggestions, not a sage truths.  Sometimes they lie.  Sometimes shit only works for them.  Sometimes its awesome and honest and helps millions.  Don't expect to be given a recipe for success by paying tuition.  You can be successful without ever stepping foot in a classroom. 

4.  Except for that part about grammar. You need to know that stuff.

Knowing that there are editors out there does not excuse your lack of a basic education.  And even those who edit professionally need a good editor for their own writing.

This is probably a good reason to go to school and study English, or at least study something.  For example, in one workshop class, a kind writer friend told me I use too many commas.  If we had not been in a workshop class together, perhaps I never would have learned.  Was it grammatically correct?  Technically.  Did it sound good on the page?  Probably not.

Grammar was not designed to punish you or bind you up creatively.  Its there to keep your readers from screaming in agony.  Relying on someone else to do this step for you is a bad idea, especially as a new writer.  You are judged as much on presentation as you are on your content. We have to know and understand the rules before we scream FREEDOM!


5.  Writers are idolzed for a REASON.  Even if it's an imaginary reason.

Being a real writer sucks.  Even being Steven King or J.K. Rowling sucks.  Sure, they're successful. But you can bet there are moments where they struggled over a phrase, a sentence, or a single word.

Yet these are the writers we idolize.  They are talented, they pump out a book a year, they have publishers and agents who call them back, and they make BANK.

I wish I could be like them too, but only as how I imagine them to be, perfect little balls of creative fever.  Their day-to-day is similar to what I contend with, so I might as well just stick to what I know.  Susannah Breslin wrote this article not to be discouraging, but to afford some realism to an often-idolized profession.  It's like what I'm doing here.  Not to scare you or anything, but writers only look good on the page.

6.  Traditional publishing is NOT the only way to be a REAL writer.

I am a real writer.  Look!  See!  I am writing stuff and I am breathing.  That makes me a real, living writer.  So what if I have self-published?  Guess what?  I learned a ton of things that no one could teach me until I went out and did it, with my untraditional self.  Now I have interested publishers, connections, even a small audience.  The practice of spitting out query after query will earn you less attention.  You can do that your whole life and be none the better for it.

Maybe traditional is what floats your boat, but I am going to be flat out honest here: unless you are one in a million (which you aren't), it's not going to sustain you.  It's not going to give you the reassurance to keep going through that 10,000th rejection letter.  What good is your work if no one ever reads it?  People are going to look at you and wonder why you aren't out there, selling yourself on the internet, on Twitter, and with your blog.  Being a traditionalist gets you nowhere, and it's certainly no way to earn money.  So even if you want to stay mostly traditional with your publishing approach, you will have to consider at least one other option.

And writing a blog is a better choice than shelving your work and picking up a shift at McDonalds.

7.  This technique/process/method is what ______ uses and they are the best writer I know.  Therefore, I will use the process and I will be just as good.

Or you will just keep sucking.

This one was a hard one for me.  For my troubles, I wound up with a degree in Creative Writing.  It took me years to recognize that what works for me is not going to work for pretty much anyone else.  My process sucks.  Sometime, I will tell you about it.  It sounds like nails on chalk boards and feels like your hands after a messy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  It probably smells like absinth, obsurd, sexy, and depressing all at once.  But don't ask what it looks like.  Like any good process, it's invisible.

So by all means explore ways of researching, sketching a draft, and outlining your project.  Ask other writers in the hopes that you can eventually write more, better and faster.  Improve your process.  Change it.  Fuck it up.  But don't become it.  And don't become someone else's either.

This is one area in which there is no right or wrong.  Go for broke and experiment the fuck out of it.

8. I finished my book. Can I stop now?

Are you a writer or a hack?

Take a year off.  Take ten.  But if you stop after just one, you were never a writer in the first place.  Most likely, you were possessed. 

Anyone who tells me that their magnum opus is their autobiography earns my instant disdain.  Your magnum opus is ALWAYS your next book.

9. Writing lit fic doesn't make you better than me.

It makes you better at writing lit fic.  Your craft at your genre is what makes you better than me.  Bet I can write better smut.  Do I know a thing about writing romance?  Nope.  So I am not going to compare your work to mine, ever.  Just like I cannot duplicate your process, I can never really be better than you.


10.  Writers are a community of hippy fucks.  It's why I can't tell you any of this to your face.

One thing I love about being a writer is that we never have to compete for the affections of our readers. I can love Clive Barker and Catheryn Valente and neither of them loses out because of it. I buy both their books, I follow them both on Twitter.  For this reason, writers are a supportive group by nature. We're always promoting ourselves and each other.  Most of us read more than we write.  We talk about writing to everyone, even non-writing friends. We're welcoming to even the newest, greenest hopeful.

It's why we foster so many shitty writers. 

Like you.

Like me.

Its why I don't give up writing, even though some days (most days) I hate my work.  I hate every dumb thing I have ever written.  I am in a constant spiral of self-loathing and obsession with what I can produce.

Having a supportive community is invaluable.  It's why I don't tell aspiring writers all these dangerous truths.  It's why I posted them here.

Anti-Procrastination Post

Look at me!  I can write!

Or at least I spend a lot of time thinking about writing.  It's what writers do when we are all caught up in moments of "writer's block," which is a nice way to say we're procrastinating.  Which is another nice way of saying we're lazy.

I spend a lot of time shoving shit aside to make room for, well, other shit.  I don't know exactly how some crap gets prioritized over something else, especially in situations where the risk-reward is equal.  Of course, there is the instantaneous satisfaction of other activities, and the cold, hard fact that writing is a lonely practice by its very nature.

There are a surplus of articles out there that reiterate what you already know yourself: turn off the social media, schedule writing as an important part of your day, and set achievable goals to satisfy your need for reward.  But what do we do when all else fails, and we can't afford to hire someone to go into coaching us as a professional career?  What do we do when we can't risk relationships by talking about our work to everyone we know, every spare second of the day, just to keep the spark alive?

If we don't plan, we procrastinate.  Sometimes the medium that we use to inspire ourselves becomes it's own trap.  However, others find success in technological assistants, and who am I to question another's process? If you're so inclined, you may want to consider these resources:

Write or Die has both online and desktop/iPad/mobile applications.  The online app is great for writer's groups who use the sprint method to encourage meeting attendees to stay on track.

Task oriented programs (like the one described here) are great for writers with more than a single project, or when we're combating the various stages of completion.  It's hard to keep track of queries, submission dates, editing work, and still produce something new.   This program, and others like it, are usually free, and you can set them up to poke and prod you with reminders that tell you what a jerk you are for stalling.

iPad users have found a little gem with the Novel in 30 application.  Not only does it help you track progress and allow you to share your advances with the few folks who care, it also provides a clear environment and some basic motivators to keep you going during each session.

So with all these options, how do I motivate myself?  Well honestly, none of the above.  Call me old fashioned, but instead, I read.  If I don't have time for a book, I read a chapter.  Or a short story.  Or writing tips like these that remind me of what I should be doing....even when I am on the internet.  Moreover, I allow myself all the time in the world to daydream:  on the way to work, while working, while getting ready for bed.  In my head, I am always writing.  The challenge comes when I need to sit down and start constructing a scene.  Somedays, I have enough to do that I feel anxious because I can't spend the time I'd like on reworking a dialogue or getting into the grit of a specific sequence of events.

Above all, no matter what, just recall the golden rule: when in doubt, a writer writes.  Sometimes its a novel.  Other times its about writing.  Once in awhile its even dissecting the finer points of procrastination.

The manic vocal stylings of...

Occasionally I read a book, and though my friends have greatly varied tastes, I cannot help but tell everyone I know about it.  As a writer, it still surprises me when I read something that has the potential to change my life, not in a psycho-spiritual way, but in a way which effects my creative output.  Writerly folk have a way of dismissing anything that impacts the style of your writing as an example of how you are not strong in your craft, but much of writing characters and stories is, to me, finding a unique voice to tell it through.  I feel it makes me more versatile to be able to change tones and voices as easily as changing a setting or story.  To me, knowing the character of the work is key to discovering the voice you should be using. 

The book in question is called What We Do Is Secret.  Go look it up if you're curious; no summary here.  However, I will say that the writer uses a very curious style of prose that is so musical, so repetitive, and so natural, that I could not put it down, even though I had to fight through a few places to understand really what was happening.  And the best part was that, after finishing it, I felt this sense of freedom in my own work that I had never experienced before.  I felt better equipped to write an already prose-heavy piece that I had been playing at for months.  This book reassured me that it was okay to let my unconventional character speak with his own voice, and not with mine.

For fun, my writer's group tried this test:  everyone was asked to write a short page of fiction, not using any of their known works or characters.  In the piece, you attempt to disguise your voice and style (and chosen genre), and write something that was still palatable, yet completely distinct from any work you have ever shown the group.  At the next gathering, we all read each other's pieces, not knowing whose was whose.  Of the 7 of us, my work was the hardest to guess. 

I take it as a major compliment that I can write pieces that are completely unique from each other in voice and style, while I do know other writers who feel differently.  Some find it hard to read and work on a manuscript at the same time, for fear that some of the other writer's nuances will muddy their own private waters.  The attitude is that your voice should be yours and yours alone, and you should work on perfecting what is distinctly you about your work.  I don't disagree in principle, but what if your writing could be you but better?  I imagine that if I wasn't constantly looking for ways to sharpen and improve, and not just change my voice, then I would be a hack at best. 

And sometimes I am a hack.  Sometimes, a voice I assume for a character or story just doesn't work, and I file it away for future treatments.  Where voice, style, and character overlap, things get all sticky and difficult.  Originally I started writing this post about character, specifically the (not-so)new obsession with the "unlikeable" protagonist.  But voice is the go-between that can put an unlikable or unthinkable character in a place where they become accessible to the reader. As a writer, it is my job to be able to speak with authority from more than a single place...otherwise, my Cyberpunk grunge girl is going to sound way too much like my 15th century prince.  Neither will be convincing.  Overall style is a factor too, of course, but that is a whole other avenue.  Trying to separate voice from style is rather pointless, in my opinion, but if you want to think of style as the more mechanical expression of voice, go ahead.  In this case, I am speaking about both the writer's voice, and the character's, as it emerges from the work.

So here is my final advice:  go and read some books.  Read and write at the same time.  Remember, real writers borrow from each other all the time, and someone just made a killing stealing from Stephanie Meyer.  By all means, I am not suggesting you become a parrot.  Rather, use your skills as a writer to spot what makes other writers successful;  learn what draws you into their worlds.  Voice and style are constantly evolving.  It pays to always expand your repertoire.  And when you pick up Twilight and think it's well-written enough to influence your voice or personal style, remember some chick already did that.  Then go read some King, or Clive Barker, or at the very least some Laurel K. Hamilton...thousands have copied them, and I don't hear anyone complaining about that.

Went Fishing

Went fishing (not really).  Will return with almost blogging later this week!  Prepare to be amazed, or at least relatively amused.

It's Not Porn; In French, It's Art

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Sex Scenes: the Good, the Bad, the Dirty - Part 3: Nuts and Bolts (yep, went there)

The beginner puffs and huffs. The master sets your house on fire.

So I have not been blogging much, as you can tell.  If you can imagine, I have been busy following the Luka Magnotta case, wondering how cannibalism got to be sexy...but I digress (too soon?  have you read my novel?).  The reality of it is that editing can be time-consuming and draining, especially when it's not your own work.  I've been helping a friend work on a self-help book designed for young women.  I'm sure you'll be hearing more next month, when I spend time blogging about editing as opposed to writing smut.

To complete my 101 on writing trash, I'm going to share my top 5 basic rules to crafting a good smut scene.  So whether you're in it for a page, a chapter, or whole book, these are guidelines I have embraced in my own smut.  Coming on the heels of the last two entries, these are pretty straightforward.  So enjoy!

1.  If you like apples, then go with cherries.

Seriously.  This is of critical importance to writing erotica, or a well-planned sex scene of any kind.  Don't write about what you know.  In particular, write about sex that you don't have every night, simply for the fact that you have to think about it.  Force yourself to engage all the senses.  When you are asked to describe something you enjoy, you are less likely to think about all the possible avenues of pleasure that others might find in the act.  You have to distance yourself a bit. 

Do a test run.  Go to a website like Literotica.  Read a few stories.  Bet you can guess who was getting off to their own smut.  Sometimes they even leave out words...you know, like they were pausing for breath or something.  This, in general, is the biggest issue with poorly written trash.  See also 50 Shades of Gray.

2.  Hot sex is spicy, with a dash of reality.

Not every woman has 5 orgasms her first time (she's lucky to get one ANY time) and not every man is 8" and as big around as your wrist.  There is an element of fantasy to erotica, but too much fantasy and the resulting scene is plain unrealistic.  A bit of levity and humanity brings the reader closer to the action and to the characters.  It draws them in.  Unless your goal is to write pure porn, the characters must remain front and center, and the size of their genitalia and their resulting scorecard should be insignificant, perhaps passing details at best

3.  Remember the 5 senses.

With good sex, all 5 senses are engaged in the activity.  Your character should be able to touch and see, but they should also smell, taste, and hear their lover.  Not only is it more enticing, but the reader will find themselves more present in the fantasy if they can really get into what is going on with the character.  Think of the sex scene as an opportunity for characterization.  Someone who is passive may reveal a more dominant side in bed, or vice versa.   Exploring all senses forces you to really think about what is going in the bedroom, as well as elsewhere, and whether the characters are fully developed enough to engage the reader on the whole.  Remember that people read erotica because they want to be in the story.  Put them there.

4.  Penis vs. Cock vs. Dick vs. Prick vs. Doodle

Word choice is a critical component of crafting a readable story.  When it comes to erotica, there is a whole "purple" vocabulary that you get used to.  To determine which words excite and which words flop with an audience, I use a simple 1-3 scale.  Words that rank at 1 are Academic.  Think penis, vagina, sex.  Sometimes these words come in handy, but more often then not what you are looking for is rates more of a 2.  2 are the workhorse words, the ones you find most commonly in modern smut, the words you are more likely to encounter in everyday non-polite conversation (and this is essentially what erotica is, folks).  Words like cock, clit, fuck, cum/coming and prick all wind up in this category.  The final third grouping is for euphemisms.  Love tunnel, bajingo, hoohah, dingle, peter.  All these carry a certain humor that has its place in only a small fraction of erotica. 

If you can't seem to gauge where a sex word ranks on the scale, ask your friends.  If you say the word and they laugh, it's a 3.  If you can say the word to your doctor without a strange look, it's a 1.  If you get a raised eyebrow, noooow you're talking! 

Until you develop your style to encompass this vocab, each time you consider using a word, think about the tone of the work, the characters involved, and the audience.  Though most of the time the words you use will come from category 2, having these factors solidly in mind will help you to best determine what language to use, and when it's okay to throw in a word from one of the other two groups.  Trust me, some characters love the word dingle.  They just don't use it when crawling into bed with the hot guy next door.


5. Sex itself can be a tease.

So you think there isn't much more you can tease your reader with.  Your characters have already done the act, and you've given them about as much cock as you deem necessary.  The teasing part is over- or is it? The sixth sense is thought.  If you spend some time getting into your character's brain between sexual escapades (and maybe a bit during them as well), you will have the set up for a marvelous second, third, or fourth act.  The mind is the greatest organ for foreplay.  Let your character explore the ramifications of their willingness to get it on with the boss, the neighbor, or the mysterious stranger.  Can it ever be as great?  Will it?  Why did they do  this in the first place?  How much of the experience was in their head in the first place?  Is it worth it?  How much better can it get?  Then refuse to provide the answers - at least until the next encounter.

Well, there you have it.  My own top five.  I am planning to post some helpful links in the future, as well as my own little collection of the hottest lines in literature (hint: not all of the hot stuff appears in erotica), but next month this blog will focus on editing and the barest bones of the writing craft.  I promise to make it as interesting as it is useful, as I hope this series has been.  So, until next time...cheers!

Sex Scenes: the Good, the Bad, the Dirty - Part 2

So now you're at the point where you've decided, well, either sex is going happen in the book, or not.  But how much sex?  And where, when, and with who? And lastly, what kind?

The first question really depends on the genre and type of book you're writing.  Sometimes your character will just up and demand sexy tymes with another.  It happens.  If it's not going to kill the story, let it.  If your story isn't meant to have lots of it, then use the "fade to black" technique; have your characters show interest, maybe flirt, and the next thing you know, one of them is showering and the other's making breakfast.  Of course, a good writer can break rules (or a bad one...see 50 Shades of Gray), but in general, in terms of sex content, a book falls into one of four basic categories, regardless of genre:

Mainstream:  You acknowledge that sometimes sex happens, and sometimes it happens to your characters.  However, it is not the main goal of the story, and it is by no means a driving force or regular on-screen occurrence.  When it does happen, the characters slip between the sheets, get it on, then go about their normal day, as does the reader.
Romance:  Character relationships drive the story.  Sex is the reward, both to the reader and the characters.  It's a logical conclusion.  If graphic scenes appear, they are designed to give attention to the relationship; they may be descriptive, but typically capitalize on the emotional feelings behind the act rather than the physical.
Erotica:  The story is about sex.  It remains the driving goal behind much of what the characters want to accomplish.  Sex occurs on-screen most of the time, with more attention given to the mechanics, but characters themselves remain well-developed.
Porn:  Debbie does Dallas on the page, and you don't give a shit who Debbie is while she does it.  As long as she goes from one sex act to another, you get what you paid for.

Once you've determined that sex is going to happen, and you've decided how much you are able or willing to commit to the page, there are still the 4 "W"s to consider.  When I speak of the  where and when of a sex scene, I am not talking about the physical location or timing in the story.   We all know people will fuck almost any place they can fit their bodies.  What I'm talking about is where in the book is an appropriate place to put a sex scene.  There's no formula to this, but there are a couple of places where I find the placement of a scene problematic.  I have summed them up here:

Bond Sex:  This is the sex your characters have immediately following, or even in the middle of, a perilous situation.  Sometimes it can work, sometimes it's hot.  Other times you are wondering where the bad guys are while the protagonist is getting his rocks off.  This type of sex scene straddles the line between Duran-Duran-mad-sex-guns-and-passion, and just plain stupid.  Consider your genre and pacing and use sparingly.
Hate Sex:  Two characters who have spent plenty of time dissing each other suddenly wind up doing the nasty.  Maybe it's hot, but consider how realistic it is.  Also, if your reader has taken one character's side in a dispute, it may be hard for them to grasp why the two characters suddenly decide making up in bed is a good plan. 
Stranger/Plot Hole Sex:  We're not talking about one-night stands or the mysterious and attractive love interest.  We're talking about how well the reader knows the character(s).  Stranger sex occurs when no time has been devoted to developing either one or both characters, yet you expect the reader to show interest when you put them in bed together.  Unless there are plot reasons, don't rush them into the sack.
Invisible Sex:  This is the sex that happens when the characters have nothing else to do.  If your characters are having sex because they are waiting for something to do, maybe you should consider writing porn.
Ultimately, it will be your ability as a smut writer which should dictate how much sex the readers sees, and how much remains between the sheets. 

Some of these categories also address the who of the sex scene business, but to me, there is only one hard and fast rule concerning who is involved:  unless you are writing porn, the reader should know a bit about the persons getting it on.  Sex is the perfect medium to inspire emotion, and whether that emotion is desire or revulsion or something else, the point is that the reader needs to have a sort of connection in order to process the act. 

So we've covered how much sex fits a book, and 3 of the 4 "W"s, when, where, and who.  In Part 3 of this series, I will discuss the last "W" - what happens in a sex scene.  So maybe you already know:  sex happens.  This post will examine more closely the dirty bits of a good sex scene...otherwise known as the  good bits.  Stay tuned!